Four years ago on this day, I stood on my first big TEDx stage and, well, basically disassociated from the whole thing.
“This is going to change your whole speaking career,” friends told me.
They were wrong.
They could have been right. But I wasn’t ready. I thought I was ready. Instead, it changed me, and I retreated. I did the whole song and dance of sharing the video when it came out, pictures, etc., but my anxiety at being seen and heard on this level was so high, I couldn’t process and move forward.
My talk helped lend credibility to my heart when it came to becoming an advocate for a domestic violence organization, but I didn’t really do anything more with it.
It took me a very long to watch the video for the first time, and even longer to watch it the second time. All I can remember is exactly what you see at the beginning — me walking very fast (“walk tall,” is what I thought) and unable to breathe. I remember picturing my younger self in the audience. I remember nodding and making meaningful eye contact with darkness (because the spotlights were so bright). I remember the applause.
I don’t remember much of the rest.
It took me a long time to understand what had happened, that I had stepped outside of myself to survive the very scary sharing of such a deep topic, a tiara atop my head, exposing myself, daring to be seen and heard, the same way I used to step outside of myself to survive the abuse I endured. The strongest part of me spoke loudly about this very topic, but the wounded and still healing side of me, the side that couldn’t even believe I had been chosen to speak when I’m just one big hot mess, that side was petrified and needed to hide.
I tried to embrace myself as someone who just doesn’t like the spotlight, and in many ways, yes…I’m great at being behind the scenes. But staying hidden and quiet is giving into the old lies that are still at work whispering away in my head.
It’s incredible to me to see how far I’ve come since 2017, and 2012 before that, and 1997 before that. I’m excited about what’s next. And what’s next will be more of this. More of this that I will be present for AND excited about.
I didn’t survive to sit down and shut up. And I didn’t do hard things like this talk to just shove it away into the darkness.
I’m here. I see me. And I am right here.
Give it a watch, leave a comment, and please share. You never know who is in the dark and needs a hand toward the light.